Looking for someone to help me writting a letter

looking for someone to help me witting a letter could someone help me out

Dear York University,
Today, it is my intention to notify you that I intend to return to school. Over the years, I have become clear how education can change lives and provide hope for my future. 
My time out of school, I have worked and interacted with many people.  Each day, each experience, showed me how education has helped people reach their full potential.  To date, I have completed a two year diploma in Network and Internet security. This moment, I am motivated to continue my education and reach my full potential.
With this decision, I hope to continue my education at York University. I am focused, motivated and ambitious. With York assistance, I will have the opportunity to reach my goals as I am ready to work hard and make it happen.
Sincerely,
Tawhid
Answer #1
This looks very good, so why you need help then.
Answer #2
What I’ll do is quote what I see wrong, or what doesn’t sound right and show you what I would use instead.
Over the years, I have become...
->
Over the years, it has become...
—
My time out of school, ....
-> (sounds weird, yknow?)
During my time out of school, ...
—
Each day, each experience, showed ...
I’m not sure if that second comma is needed. someone else confirm?
—
... two year diploma in ...
-> change diploma to something else… course perhaps? diploma isn’t the right word.
—
This moment, I am ...
-> I’d use “today” instead of “this moment”
—
With York assistance, ...
-> should York be… York’s? I’m not sure. someone else confirm/deny?
Answer #3
Dear York University
You certainly don’t write that ……… you are writing to a person at the university, not the university itself.
Phone the university and find out who you should send your letter to. Then go to the library and do a bit of delving into the university itself (i.e. show interest in it). From the information you glean about the university compile as letter that shows which courses they do that would benefit you, then include the stuff you have written in your first post.
Above all, make your letter concise and to the point …. don’t waffle on about unnecessary stuff, don’t do long paragraphs ….. people get bored reading long letters!!!