Creative writing help

so heres the deal, i have my HSC coming up and i have to do a creative writing story on the topic of belonging in it, and i have written a draft, but am not really confident at all in it.
so if anyone has alot of spare time and is any good at english I would be really grateful for any imput on how i could improve the story.
i understand its a big ask, so i’ll understand if i get no responses.
Belonging- creative writing: draft
I awoke to find myself in the confines of a metal sphere, underwater, with no recollection of where I was or what I was doing. Thoughts flooded my head, the rush of thoughts was like a wave crashing violently into my head, however the most prominent question in this ferocious wave was simple the question of how I got here.
Staving off my trepidation I decided to search for anything that might help me to understand my situation, or anything that could help me get out of it, a cell phone, a letter, anything. Disappointingly my search yielded nothing of interest, this sub marine was completely devoid of anything at all helpful.
I decided that if I could not find how I came to be in this situation than perhaps I would attempt to take control, by finding a way to steer my vessel, however I was yet again disappointed when I realised that there was no method of steering this from the inside, it seemed to have been pre-programmed electronically on a specific route.
I should be terrified, I should be screaming for help, this is not a situation that any normal person should feel calm in, but strangely enough I was just that, calm. Everything that I had learned in my 21 years of life told me that logically I should be making every effort I could to get out or just do something, however, something deep down, something supressed was pushing me to enjoy the unknown nature of my predicament.
(Insert time delay star thingy’s)
The gentle ambient light that had been cascading through my looking glass had finally faded to black, only to be replaced with a dazzling burst of light from the sub marines headlights that lit up the entire sea floor in all its glory. I could see schools of small coloured fish dancing above the living, swaying sea floor like synchronised swimmers. I was surrounded by pure beauty.
(insert more time delay star thingy’s)
The humming of the motor seemed to drum on into an eternity, and my mind drifted away with it, away to thoughts of where I grew up, thoughts of my family. I remembered the shouting, the arguing, the constant put downs and the general sense of sadness that surrounded the family.
As I become more and more oblivious to my surroundings my thoughts turned to fully fleshed out scenes from my life. The first was of my father’s funeral, of my mother delivering his eulogy, telling the whole world what a magnificent father he was. I remember my sister and I crying, not crying for our lost father but for the way that mother would blatantly lie to the world about our abusive drunk of a father.
The scene shifted away from the funeral, now I was at my 18th birthday party, I was arguing with my sister, “You will never amount to anything Brad.” She spat with vile ferocity, “you’re a disgrace to the Douglas family name.” she continued, all the while shotting me with a piercing gaze, like a snake staring down a mouse.
I was so angry with my family, the way that my sister would constantly put me down, when she herself had never achieved anything in her entire life, the way my mother would compulsively lie about anything and everything that she could whilst chugging a bottle of wine every time she was alone. The way my dad abused us and then just left us, dying so selfishly in the middle of us being in the poorest situation we had ever been, right when we as a family actually needed him, he went and died. Leaving me, the only man in the house to care for a family of women who no less than despised my very existence.
I was jolted out of my daze by a crunch that was screaming in my ears, caused by me submarine grinding into a giant rock protruding from the seafloor. I remember now, I remember why I am here and what I was doing. Those dreams of home, were not of my home at all, rather just the place I lived out the majority of my sad little existence, I was never happy there, I never belonged.
This was where I was happy. This was my home. I now knew what I had to do, shifting my blank stare and focusing it onto a soft red glow int eh corner of my eye, I breathed a sigh of relief as I tentatively reached out and pressed the button. My viewing glass collapsed inward, water roared into the craft, crushing my entire body like the fist of god himself pushing all the air our of my lungs, I felt no pain however, only relief and contentment. I was finally free of the isolation and the judgement of people, free of the burden of my family, I was finally home.
Answer #1
I’ve stuck it in a .doc and will have a look at it for you in work tomorrow
Answer #2
cool, thanks heaps